oh god oh god oh god
I'm in the process of trying to quit my job.
My negotiating skills are pretty pessimal, mostly because I'm an inveterate people pleaser. I also do best when dealing with real resistance/pressure. It can be tough to "negotiate" when it feels like the other party doesn't have a position of their own to negotiate ... against? (Is that what you would call it? I'm not sure.)
I know what I want, and I need to figure out how to state it clearly and firmly so I can get it, especially if the other party in the negotiation doesn't have a clear idea of what they want.
I'm an only child, so to some degree I'm used to negotiating from a position of, if not weakness, than a position of subordination. I've spent most of my years negotiating with my parents. There are two of them, and one of me, and at the end of the day, especially as a youth, they had the final say, regardless of the strength of my argument.
(This isn't meant as a knock or a dig or a criticism, my parents are lovely and respectful people, and as far as I am aware have always made decisions with my best interests at the forefront of their minds. That has included saying "no" when it was necessary or sensible to do so.)
Anyway, the point is: I'm used to arguing against some stricture or constraint, I'm not used to walking into a room where I am NOT the authority and making demands or laying out my expectations.
Honestly, the whole thing makes me want to vomit because it makes me so anxious, but I'm telling myself this is a crucial learning opportunity. This is IT, this is the moment we should all be preparing for, especially if it doesn't come naturally to us.
This is the moment where I say, "This is what I'm worth, this is what I'm willing to give you. Take it or leave it, but I don't need to settle."
I have joked with my coworkers about this negotiation process, and I've said, "What are they going to do? Fire me?" Because while losing access to this income stream would certainly put some pressure on me, it can forego it. I have other means and options at my disposal. I am, quite literally, negotiating from a position of power; I have something they want and arguably even need (time, skill, and expertise) and they have very little I want (easy money) and nothing I need.
The truth is, what wraps its fist around my stomach and makes me want to shake and hide and bury my head in the sand isn't actually fear. I'm not afraid, because what I want is not to be beholden to this office and these people and these demands on my time and energy that I dislike and am even hold in contempt, at times.
What squeezes my insides is anxiety. It's the raw animal terror that lives in my brain and tries to sabotage me. It's the thing that trips over into fight-or-flight every time the outcome I want, the thing I'm hoping for, is within my grasp. It's the madness that wants me to fail.
I don't understand anxiety. I don't think anyone does, really. The things that make us anxious usually aren't entirely sensible. Taking a stand is one of the things that makes me anxious. Standing up for myself; making my wants and needs known; asking for things. I don't know if its because all of those things are an invitation to be hurt, to be denied, to be dismissed. I don't know if it's because wanting things is scary, because if you want something, you have something to lose.
But I know that the rising action, my conviction that this is a great opportunity, a chance to learn to advocate for myself, an opportunity to practice a critical and powerful skill, almost immediately tips over into terror.
So maybe this is an important lesson twice over: the first lesson is easy, because it's about doing the thing that is obviously good for me, it's the second lesson that I'll have to work at:
Do not let the fear overwhelm you. Fear is the mind-killer. Don't let it eat you alive.
Wish me luck.