still just screaming
I keep trying to write things on this blog that aren't just.... Me letting off steam. But so far it hasn't worked. I'll just keep screaming into the void, because it's cathartic and I like doing it.
My roommate has threatened me with a forthcoming 6 month intervention (I work too much). I'm really for sure quitting the job that is trying to suck the life out of me, in part because the HR lady railroaded me into selecting a "use by" date on my employment. It was, I genuinely believe, for my own good, but the way it was communicated was absolutely wretched.
Figuring out how to manage my time is going to be interesting, not so much because I can't do it, but because everyone I'm working with can only afford so much of my time, and so while the work could fill every minute of my time, no one can afford to pay me for that.
I don't get to show up and just "do my little tasks" like I have gotten used to at the office. At the office more work will materialize if you wait long enough. There's always something new to do. Now, I have to prioritize the tasks into the time available.
I have a hard time explaining to people sometimes that I just... I like working. I've searched for a job that I can do that is just... Not excruciating to perform (and yes, that job is "spreadsheets," no, I can't explain it). So when I say I "work too much" what it really means is that... I like being useful and as much as setting boundaries is important, or whatever, I'm not always that interested in them.
I like to think I've gotten better about boundaries in a number of important ways; I've taught myself to demarcate time around personal appointments (aka I can go to the doctor and not feel like I'm doing something frivolous). That sounds bad when I say it outloud, but the point is I learned how! I've learned how to genuinely put work stuff away while I'm on vacation; I'll turn off notifications and otherwise silo my work related stuff so I can't see it.
But my primary motivation for doing anything at all has usually been whether or not it's worth doing. And the truth is that if something is worth doing, it's worth doing regardless of whatever else is associated with it. And yeah, that makes me a rube and a mark under the capitalist system, because I'm super exploitable, if you convince me your cause is noble and important.
But I'm just not sure that the alternative is better? I don't want to not care about my job because what I do doesn't matter. That sounds like wasting my time.
Anyway. Another sort of silly post where I don't say much of anything. But I'm trying to get back into the habit. I'm trying to get back into all my habits. All the things I used to do which made me happy and which gave my life meaning.
I've spent the last 3 years "succeeding" and frankly, I'm tired and I want to have some fun.